Healing Isn’t Linear, and Neither Is My Playlist(cue the sad songs followed by Beyoncé anthems)
There’s this image people have when they hear you’ve finally left a toxic relationship.
They picture a woman walking away in slow motion, wind blowing in her hair, sunglasses on, empowered soundtrack playing in the background like she’s about to take over the world.
But for me?
It wasn’t that glamorous.
It was messy. It was painful. And it was anything but a straight line.
Healing didn’t come in a perfectly wrapped package.
It came in waves—tears on the bathroom floor, dancing in the kitchen with my kids, late-night journaling, and way too many moments of second-guessing myself.
And the thing that reflected my healing the most?
My playlist.
🎶 The Soundtrack to My Survival
One day I’d be in full glow-up mode blasting “Level Up” by Ciara, feeling like nothing could stop me.
The next, I’d be curled in bed, letting “Incomplete” by Sammie play on repeat while I questioned if I made the right decision.
That’s the thing no one tells you—
You can know you made the right choice and still feel the ache of it.
You can leave someone and still miss the version of them you hoped they’d be.
And just when I’d start to feel a little more steady, that’s when it would happen…
He’d reach out.
📱 The “I Miss You” Trap
He always knew when I was starting to feel a little too free.
When my light started coming back, when I started smiling more, when I stopped responding—that’s when the calls came in.
“I miss you.”
“Let’s talk.”
“I’ve changed.”
“I just want to see the kids.”
And for a split second, it would work.
Because I’m human. I wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, the love I held onto for so long meant something.
One night, he texted me a song. “Come Through” by H.E.R. and Chris Brown.
Said it reminded him of us.
And for a moment, I caught myself reminiscing—thinking about the nights we slow danced in the living room, or stayed up talking before things got so dark.
But like clockwork, the moment I let my guard down…
he switched back.
The sweet turned sour. The apology turned into blame. The softness became manipulation.
He’d gaslight me—
“You’re keeping my kids from me.”
“You’re never gonna find someone who loves you like I did.”
“You think you’re better than me now?”
And I’d go right back to feeling like I was crazy, like maybe I was too harsh, too unforgiving, too much.
That cycle was harder to break than the relationship itself.
🔁 Reclaiming My Power—One Song at a Time
I needed something to ground me in those moments—something to remind me of the truth I already knew.
And for me, that something was music.
I’d turn on “Me, Myself and I” by Beyoncé and let it speak for me.
I’d throw on “Let It Go” by Keyshia Cole and let the words sink in:
“If he ain’t gonna love you the way he should, then let it go.”
These songs weren’t just entertainment—they were affirmations.
They were lifelines.
They helped me remember:
I didn’t imagine the abuse.
I didn’t “give up too soon.”
I didn’t deserve to be manipulated, lied to, or belittled.
👩🏽🍼 Healing While Holding It All Together
All of this—the heartbreak, the confusion, the chaos—was happening while I was still showing up every day as “Mommy.”
There were nights I’d cry myself to sleep and wake up hours later to make pancakes and pack lunch boxes.
I’d force a smile at school drop-off while feeling shattered inside.
I’d read bedtime stories while silently praying that my kids wouldn’t grow up with the same wounds I was trying to heal from.
One afternoon, after a particularly rough phone call from him, I sat in the car outside the house, gripping the steering wheel, shaking. SZA’s “20 Something” played through my speakers and I let the lyrics hit me.
I felt like I was floating through my twenties (and now my thirties), just trying to make sense of everything.
Trying to figure out who I was—outside of being his ex, outside of being a mom, outside of surviving.
💅🏾 Slowly Rebuilding Me
When I started getting further out from the relationship, the guilt started turning into clarity.
The fear started turning into faith.
And the silence?
It started to feel like peace instead of punishment.
I began doing little things for myself—not because I needed attention, but because I was finally choosing me.
I bought new books and some clothes that were outside of my comfort zone.
I made playlists for different moods:
“Sad But Healing”
“Soft Girl Era”
“Don’t Text Him Back”
“Main Character Energy”
And every time I played “Alien Superstar” or “Before I Let Go” and danced like nobody was watching, I felt a little more whole.
I didn’t need lashes or filters or a relationship status to feel beautiful.
I just needed truth, time, and some really good R&B.
🫶🏽 If You’re In the Middle of It, Too…
Sis, if your healing feels chaotic, if your emotions don’t make sense, if you’re flip-flopping between missing him and blocking him—you are not alone.
You’re not weak for answering the call.
You’re not foolish for hoping he could be better.
You’re not behind because you’re still triggered by his name.
You are healing.
You are learning.
You are slowly untangling yourself from a relationship that tried to convince you that you weren’t enough.
But you are.
More than enough.
So cry to Ne-Yo, strut to Ciara, and put Beyoncé on full blast when you need to feel untouchable.
Let your playlist match your process.
Let the music say what your mouth can’t yet.
And when you look back?
You’ll realize that every skipped song, every backslide, every step forward—it all led you right here.
Right back to you.
🎶 My Healing Playlist (For Real Ones Only)
Here’s the soundtrack that held me down when I couldn’t hold myself:
“Me, Myself and I” – Beyoncé
“Incomplete” – Sammie
“Love Galore” – SZA
“Come Through” – H.E.R. ft. Chris Brown
“20 Something” – SZA
“Let It Go” – Keyshia Cole
“Level Up” – Ciara
“So Sick” – Ne-Yo
“I Deserve” – Tank
“Can’t Raise a Man” – K. Michelle
“Before I Let Go” – Beyoncé
“Back to Sleep” – Chris Brown
“Like I Used To” – Tink
“Alien Superstar” – Beyoncé
“No Guidance” – Chris Brown ft. Drake (for the times I needed to remind myself why I left in the first place)