Perfection?!?.....What is that?

Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror, or caught a glimpse of yourself as you are walking past a glass door and immediately saw all of the things that are “wrong” with you? Tragic, right? I have been doing that to myself every day for weeks now! Poor me!! It sounds ridiculous to be so cruel…..to myself, but I know many people that have been there. Even as I am typing this, I am so disappointed that this has become a big enough part of my life that I am blogging about it, but why not? I know I am not the only one that notices the flaws that they have. I know I am not the only person that wishes they could go to sleep with flab and wake up with abs (you see what I did there, rightJ). But why is that the only thing that I strive for? In my case, it is not. I don’t simply want a “perfect” body, because that is so subjective and I will never be “perfect” for everyone. I just simply want to be “perfect” for me. That part is not my issue. My issue is trusting the process.

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As many of you know, I have PCOS and losing weight is a TASK! I smell bread and cookies and gain 5lbs immediately. Not really, but you get what I am saying. So in order to lose weight, I have one thing that I know in the past has given me great results and that is keto. I did it after I had my son and when I tell you I felt the best I have ever felt in my life, I am not exaggerating! I was walking around in a sports bra and leggings for no real reason, but I felt good about myself. Yes, I had loose skin. Yes, I had stretch marks, but I was happy. I lost weight pretty quickly that time around. I lost 70lbs in about 9 months and I was loving it. So, why am I back at this point again, because I got pregnant with my daughter 2 months later and gained weight again. I have absolutely no problem with that, but I knew that mentally losing this weight would be a struggle. Not because I don’t want to lose it, but because it is HARD!

I have never been one to have a ton of self-confidence. Let’s be honest, I was always the chubby one in the group, but I knew that I wanted to be healthy. After my son, I knew that I wanted to feel better about myself so that I could be better for him and I did just that. Now I am on what seems like the same journey, but this time there have been a few rough patches. I mean, life happens whether I am 300lbs or 100lbs and you have to get through it. This time though, life has been hitting me hard and that weighs heavily on my mind. All of that negativity is then internalized and I mentally beat myself up over the thing that bothers me the most: my weight. I struggle with people telling me, “oh, you’re not that big” or my favorite, “you should be happy where you are”. Why though? No one has to live my life but me and I have two small children that I have to live for, but I digress.

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Tuesday morning, I woke up and stepped on my scale and it was the exact same number that it was about a week ago when I weighed in with my trainer. Before we get too far, let me catch you all up. This time around on my journey, I am working out during my weight loss to try and minimize all of the loose skin that I had the last time. I work out with her 2 or 3 days a week and then I work out on my own the other two days. I didn’t start working out the last time until I was about 6 months in to my weight loss journey. A couple of Fridays ago, I weighed in with her and I was down almost 5lbs in a little over 2 weeks and had lost an inch or so off of my waist and chest. I was ecstatic and extremely motivated. Fast-forward to Tuesday and it felt like I hit a brick wall going 1,000mph with no brakes. I was crushed. I looked in the mirror and immediately started ripping myself to shreds.

I was pointing out all of the areas that were imperfect and I kind of wanted to quit, but instead of giving up, I decided to take some pictures instead. I needed to see myself through a different lens, if you will. I am so glad I did. Luckily, I had taken before photos on the morning of my first session with her, so I had something to compare it to. Looking at those pictures made me realize that I was looking at the entire situation incorrectly. I was expecting perfection when I should have simply been applauding myself for the progress that I made. Many times, we get so caught up with getting to the end of something that we forget to celebrate all of the small accomplishments along the way.

This can be applied to so many of the things that we do in life. Whether it is weight loss, school, your job or whatever it is, forget about perfection and focus on progress. I needed to see these pictures of myself to realize that where I currently am is perfect in the sense that I am still moving forward and still doing the very best that I can. Am I where I want to be at the end of my journey? Absolutely not, but am I exactly where I need to be right now. YEP! That is what matters. As long as you are taking the steps and putting the work in to get to where you want to go, you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Will there be bumps in the road? Of course, but that is why it is a journey. No matter where you are in journey, or what you are trying to accomplish, set small goals for yourself and celebrate the heck out of them when you reach them. And when you see yourself in that mirror, point out how amazing you are at staying focused and getting to where you want to be :-).

Living the keto life

I get asked quite often why I chose to do keto. The answer is pretty simple: it works! I originally started keto because I had tried every other diet that I could possibly try and they did not work. I have been overweight for most of my life. Growing up, I was always bigger than my sister. After I turned 10, it seemed like I could just look at food and gain weight. I also started my period really early. Now that I am older and have been to a few really great doctors, I am aware that it was probably a result of my polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

After being diagnosed with severe PCOS when I was 21, I made it my mission to try and lose weight. My doctor said that would help with a lot of my symptoms. I was in the Army at that point and was the smallest I had ever been in life, but I was determined to lose more weight, so I did it in a very unhealthy way. I was basically working out really hard and starving myself. It was not a great plan and once I was hurt and could not work out as much as I was before, I had to eat even less in order to maintain my weight loss. I became one very hangry person.

After about 2 months of weight loss, I went back to the doctor only to find out that I had more cysts than before. This was because I was not giving my body the foods that it needed to even begin the healing process, but I had no clue where to even start. I was then put on very high dosage of metformin and birth control to help somewhat regulate my cycles. That was awesome until I wanted to try to have kids. It had done nothing to actually assist in correcting my fertility issues. Now granted, I was not in a place to be having kids right then, so I did not ask any questions at the time. However, when my husband and I decided we wanted to start trying, I kicked myself for not being more inquisitive when I was first diagnosed. I will make a different post about that struggle at another time.

Fast forward four years, I had gotten out of the military, I was depressed and had just moved to a new state where I did not know anyone but my husband. I gained so much weight and I was unhappy with myself, so I knew that I needed to do something about it. Insert the keto diet here! It was simple and I got to eat real food. I was all for it. In the beginning, it was harder for me because my husband was here and I felt like I had to cook two meals. He is much more in shape than I am and he can eat basically anything and gain no weight.
I was on and off keto for months. He then had to go to school. I decided that while he was gone, I was going to get into a good rhythm that I could still keep up with while he was here. He was gone for 3 months and in that time I lost about 35lbs! I was ecstatic. Of course, this was new to me still and I thought oh well having a dessert here and there won’t kill me. Well a dessert here and there turned into me realizing I had a binge eating problem. Food has always been something that I control with my emotions and I can go from one extreme to the other, I either eat everything or nothing depending on my mood. I fell off of the keto wagon for about 8-months. I then decided that I wanted to try again and this time really stick to it. I did and I lost 40lbs. Around this time, we decided that we wanted to try again for our first child.

I did not really think it would happen for us at all, but I wanted to try. After two cycles, I was pregnant. This was amazing for me. I did not continue with keto while I was pregnant because I did not think that I could. Looking back, I wish that I had. About 2 years after having my son, I decided to do keto again. I lost about 80lbs from March through December 2017 and I had no plans of reverting back to my old ways. Well, in February 2018, I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. It was the biggest shock of my life.

The one thing that I love about keto is that anyone can do it. You don’t have to buy a bunch of random things in order to make this work. You just have to eat food. Now, your mindset about food has to change. The Standard American Diet (SAD) is so common and thought to be the best thing for us, but the portions that we see as normal are not. I love the way that I feel and look on the keto diet, so I actually decided to learn how it works. I got my ketogenic living certification and I have enjoyed helping other lose weight and keep it off. I am basically starting all over because of the weight that I gained with my daughter, but I have set small goals for myself and I can’t wait to see how my body transforms this time.