Perfection?!?.....What is that?

Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror, or caught a glimpse of yourself as you are walking past a glass door and immediately saw all of the things that are “wrong” with you? Tragic, right? I have been doing that to myself every day for weeks now! Poor me!! It sounds ridiculous to be so cruel…..to myself, but I know many people that have been there. Even as I am typing this, I am so disappointed that this has become a big enough part of my life that I am blogging about it, but why not? I know I am not the only one that notices the flaws that they have. I know I am not the only person that wishes they could go to sleep with flab and wake up with abs (you see what I did there, rightJ). But why is that the only thing that I strive for? In my case, it is not. I don’t simply want a “perfect” body, because that is so subjective and I will never be “perfect” for everyone. I just simply want to be “perfect” for me. That part is not my issue. My issue is trusting the process.

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As many of you know, I have PCOS and losing weight is a TASK! I smell bread and cookies and gain 5lbs immediately. Not really, but you get what I am saying. So in order to lose weight, I have one thing that I know in the past has given me great results and that is keto. I did it after I had my son and when I tell you I felt the best I have ever felt in my life, I am not exaggerating! I was walking around in a sports bra and leggings for no real reason, but I felt good about myself. Yes, I had loose skin. Yes, I had stretch marks, but I was happy. I lost weight pretty quickly that time around. I lost 70lbs in about 9 months and I was loving it. So, why am I back at this point again, because I got pregnant with my daughter 2 months later and gained weight again. I have absolutely no problem with that, but I knew that mentally losing this weight would be a struggle. Not because I don’t want to lose it, but because it is HARD!

I have never been one to have a ton of self-confidence. Let’s be honest, I was always the chubby one in the group, but I knew that I wanted to be healthy. After my son, I knew that I wanted to feel better about myself so that I could be better for him and I did just that. Now I am on what seems like the same journey, but this time there have been a few rough patches. I mean, life happens whether I am 300lbs or 100lbs and you have to get through it. This time though, life has been hitting me hard and that weighs heavily on my mind. All of that negativity is then internalized and I mentally beat myself up over the thing that bothers me the most: my weight. I struggle with people telling me, “oh, you’re not that big” or my favorite, “you should be happy where you are”. Why though? No one has to live my life but me and I have two small children that I have to live for, but I digress.

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Tuesday morning, I woke up and stepped on my scale and it was the exact same number that it was about a week ago when I weighed in with my trainer. Before we get too far, let me catch you all up. This time around on my journey, I am working out during my weight loss to try and minimize all of the loose skin that I had the last time. I work out with her 2 or 3 days a week and then I work out on my own the other two days. I didn’t start working out the last time until I was about 6 months in to my weight loss journey. A couple of Fridays ago, I weighed in with her and I was down almost 5lbs in a little over 2 weeks and had lost an inch or so off of my waist and chest. I was ecstatic and extremely motivated. Fast-forward to Tuesday and it felt like I hit a brick wall going 1,000mph with no brakes. I was crushed. I looked in the mirror and immediately started ripping myself to shreds.

I was pointing out all of the areas that were imperfect and I kind of wanted to quit, but instead of giving up, I decided to take some pictures instead. I needed to see myself through a different lens, if you will. I am so glad I did. Luckily, I had taken before photos on the morning of my first session with her, so I had something to compare it to. Looking at those pictures made me realize that I was looking at the entire situation incorrectly. I was expecting perfection when I should have simply been applauding myself for the progress that I made. Many times, we get so caught up with getting to the end of something that we forget to celebrate all of the small accomplishments along the way.

This can be applied to so many of the things that we do in life. Whether it is weight loss, school, your job or whatever it is, forget about perfection and focus on progress. I needed to see these pictures of myself to realize that where I currently am is perfect in the sense that I am still moving forward and still doing the very best that I can. Am I where I want to be at the end of my journey? Absolutely not, but am I exactly where I need to be right now. YEP! That is what matters. As long as you are taking the steps and putting the work in to get to where you want to go, you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Will there be bumps in the road? Of course, but that is why it is a journey. No matter where you are in journey, or what you are trying to accomplish, set small goals for yourself and celebrate the heck out of them when you reach them. And when you see yourself in that mirror, point out how amazing you are at staying focused and getting to where you want to be :-).

Living the keto life

I get asked quite often why I chose to do keto. The answer is pretty simple: it works! I originally started keto because I had tried every other diet that I could possibly try and they did not work. I have been overweight for most of my life. Growing up, I was always bigger than my sister. After I turned 10, it seemed like I could just look at food and gain weight. I also started my period really early. Now that I am older and have been to a few really great doctors, I am aware that it was probably a result of my polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

After being diagnosed with severe PCOS when I was 21, I made it my mission to try and lose weight. My doctor said that would help with a lot of my symptoms. I was in the Army at that point and was the smallest I had ever been in life, but I was determined to lose more weight, so I did it in a very unhealthy way. I was basically working out really hard and starving myself. It was not a great plan and once I was hurt and could not work out as much as I was before, I had to eat even less in order to maintain my weight loss. I became one very hangry person.

After about 2 months of weight loss, I went back to the doctor only to find out that I had more cysts than before. This was because I was not giving my body the foods that it needed to even begin the healing process, but I had no clue where to even start. I was then put on very high dosage of metformin and birth control to help somewhat regulate my cycles. That was awesome until I wanted to try to have kids. It had done nothing to actually assist in correcting my fertility issues. Now granted, I was not in a place to be having kids right then, so I did not ask any questions at the time. However, when my husband and I decided we wanted to start trying, I kicked myself for not being more inquisitive when I was first diagnosed. I will make a different post about that struggle at another time.

Fast forward four years, I had gotten out of the military, I was depressed and had just moved to a new state where I did not know anyone but my husband. I gained so much weight and I was unhappy with myself, so I knew that I needed to do something about it. Insert the keto diet here! It was simple and I got to eat real food. I was all for it. In the beginning, it was harder for me because my husband was here and I felt like I had to cook two meals. He is much more in shape than I am and he can eat basically anything and gain no weight.
I was on and off keto for months. He then had to go to school. I decided that while he was gone, I was going to get into a good rhythm that I could still keep up with while he was here. He was gone for 3 months and in that time I lost about 35lbs! I was ecstatic. Of course, this was new to me still and I thought oh well having a dessert here and there won’t kill me. Well a dessert here and there turned into me realizing I had a binge eating problem. Food has always been something that I control with my emotions and I can go from one extreme to the other, I either eat everything or nothing depending on my mood. I fell off of the keto wagon for about 8-months. I then decided that I wanted to try again and this time really stick to it. I did and I lost 40lbs. Around this time, we decided that we wanted to try again for our first child.

I did not really think it would happen for us at all, but I wanted to try. After two cycles, I was pregnant. This was amazing for me. I did not continue with keto while I was pregnant because I did not think that I could. Looking back, I wish that I had. About 2 years after having my son, I decided to do keto again. I lost about 80lbs from March through December 2017 and I had no plans of reverting back to my old ways. Well, in February 2018, I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. It was the biggest shock of my life.

The one thing that I love about keto is that anyone can do it. You don’t have to buy a bunch of random things in order to make this work. You just have to eat food. Now, your mindset about food has to change. The Standard American Diet (SAD) is so common and thought to be the best thing for us, but the portions that we see as normal are not. I love the way that I feel and look on the keto diet, so I actually decided to learn how it works. I got my ketogenic living certification and I have enjoyed helping other lose weight and keep it off. I am basically starting all over because of the weight that I gained with my daughter, but I have set small goals for myself and I can’t wait to see how my body transforms this time.

One Small Step

I have been dreading writing about anything remotely close to my fitness goals these past few weeks and then I thought, why? I have nothing to hide and I should not be ashamed of where I am right now. My body grew a tiny human last year and I am working on it. During my pregnancy, I gained weight. Duh, right! It took me 9-months to gain the weight and I have been beating myself up the past 5 months because my body didn’t simply snapback to before. I just recently realized how ridiculous I was being, so I decided to set small goals for myself.

“There is always a step small enough from where we are to get us to where we want to be. If we take that small step, there’s always another we can take, and eventually a goal thought to be too far to reach becomes achievable”

— Ellen Langer

Instead of looking at my end goal, I have determined a series of small goals that are much less daunting. I mean seriously, losing 10 lbs seems much more doable than losing 40! That just means I have to lose 10lbs 4 times. See how manageable that sounds. Plus, I have decided to reward myself each time I meet one of my goals.

Once I thought that plan through, I actually made myself a reward chart. I mean let’s be honest, we all like to get our little gold stars when we accomplish something. It pleases the toddler inside of me. I know feel like I am ready to actually get to where I want to be. With two kids and working full-time, I have to actually make time to go to the gym. I have been making excuses the past few weeks, so I have not been going as much as I was before, but I think that I have found my drive again.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one”

— Mark Twain

I want to wear a two piece bathing suit for the first time in my life! It may not happen in time for this summer, but I know that I will at least make my goal of wearing a cute tankini or high-waisted suit this year. I will be posting update pictures as well as pictures of my rewards on my Instagram, so go follow me there for weekly updates!

I am trying out a pescatarian keto lifestyle, so if you want to join me on my weight loss journey or if you aren’t sure how to get started either fill out the contact form on this page or DM me on Instagram and let’s reach these goals together!

On a scale of 1 to 10....

Just two blog post in and this one is going to be very personal. Normally it takes much longer for me to bare it all, but this is a personal blog, right? So here we go. I know that we live in a world where people feel very comfortable telling you exactly how they feel without regard to how it will affect the person they are saying it to, but just because society makes that okay, should we all just say what we want to anyone that we meet? I was in Kroger, my favorite hangout, after a long day at work. I did not have time to change, so I had on the outfit that I wore to work and I am sure I was sporting some pretty big bags under my eyes at this point as well. My son was being surprisingly cooperative as we deviated from our normal after work routine of cooking dinner, watching Paw Patrol or Moana, completing bath time and going to bed. I was completely prepared to deal with a combative toddler, but out of sheer luck, he was tolerating being in the grocery store. We were on our way out, but I, of course, had to have an Iced coffee from Starbuck’s. I place my normal order of a Venti Iced Coffee with heavy whipping cream and sugar-free vanilla syrup. No big deal, right? As I am waiting for my drink, another lady joins me at the counter. She asks how old my son is and I tell her that he is almost 1.5 Yrs. old. She goes on to ask a few other questions, with the last being why do you order your iced coffee so particularly? I kindly reply and tell her that I have been following a ketogenic diet since March, and I limit my carb and sugar intake. Her response after this made me speechless! She proceeds to say, “well you may need to try something else. Your baby is no longer a baby, so you can’t blame your weight on him for much longer”. I was floored! All I could do was smile, tell her to have a nice evening and walk away. As I walked away I went back and forth between wanting to cry and wanting to scream at her about all the work that I have done to lose weight so far, but I am an adult right so I couldn’t throw a temper tantrum. My son was not throwing one, so neither could I. Plus, why should I get so worked up over her 2-second evaluation of my weight and life. I have dealt with my weight for my entire life and even shed more tears than I can remember as other people made comments about it when I was younger. Those comments normally came from family members, so they don't count right? I have never had to stomach a comment like this made by a stranger, so this was new territory for me. I have never fit into society's vision of “small” or “thin”, and I may never as far as the number on the scale goes, but I am working on being a healthier version of myself and that should count, right? So why did this one lady’s comment bother me so much? Had I met her in March, I probably would have cried my eyes out while eating Oreo’s. Counterproductive, I know. Instead, she made the comment to the person that I have worked hard to become. While losing weight, I have gone through a lot of personal changes. I had to gain back some self-confidence that I lost after I had my son and I had to find some that I never actually had because of the struggles of being “overweight” when I was younger. But what made this lady choose that particular moment to make that comment? On a day when life was already hard enough for me. I wanted to know what was going through her mind when she walked up to me. Then I thought does it really matter? Is her reasoning going to make me feel better? Absolutely not! In the time that it took me to walk outside, put my groceries in my car and get my son buckled in his car seat, I realized that I didn’t care about her reasoning. I didn’t care about why she felt like she should point out my weight to me. I didn’t even care that she didn’t seem to care about how her delivery made me feel. My body made an amazing human being and that took time, so weightloss is going to take time as well. I am not ashamed of this nor do I shy away from it. She did not understand that to me this weight gain meant that my body had finally gotten it right. I was told at 21 years old that I would never carry a baby to term without an immense amount of medical intervention. She didn't know that this weight gain meant I didn't lose my baby at 12 weeks when the doctor said that I had a threatened miscarriage due to bleeding. She doesn't know that I have a daily struggle inside just to get my body functioning properly and she didn't know that sometimes the struggle becomes so intense and overwhelming that I just want to give up, but this smiling little boy that changed my body makes me keep going. She did not know these things, so the motivation behind her comment did not matter and I did not care about it. I do, however, care that I have grown enough to understand that her words do not have any bearing on my life. I will probably never see this lady again, but she made a pretty big impact on my Thursday night. She reminded me that instead of just letting everything that I think flow out of my mouth, I need to think about my delivery and realize that my words will impact whoever hears them whether I am speaking directly to them or not. It is my decision whether the impact is positive or negative. I also realized that I was finally at a place where someone else’s opinion of my body did not matter to me. I have been working really hard and because of some of my medical issues, I have had times during this journey that I have had to fight against my own body to continue to lose weight. Did the lady at Kroger know that? No, she didn’t, but I do. That is why I chose to gain something from the experience rather than allow it to hurt me. From now on, I am taking these experiences and deciding on a scale of 1 to 10 how much of an impact it should have on me and what emotional, verbal or mental response it requires from me. Plus, I feel great when I look in the mirror. I know where I started and where I am now and I refuse to let one random lady at Starbuck’s derail me completely after all of my hard work. Maybe she was having a terrible day or maybe she really just thought I should work harder than I had been at losing weight. At the end of the day, her opinion is just that, her opinion. My reaction and response is the only thing that I could control in that moment and instead of getting upset and throwing a temper tantrum, I chose to walk away and smile. Why? Because she didn’t need to get the satisfaction of a negative response from me. Plus, how can you be angry in a Kroger that has a Starbuck’s? Groceries and COFFEE! In my mind, that should be one of the happiest places on Earth :-).